Day eleven: The intruder

After returning from the beach, the three men resumed whiling away their holiday by lounging around, watching TV.
          Maggie glared at them all for a few minutes then announced she was going for a shower.
          “Do you think she’ll be long?” Rob asked, not long after Maggie had gone upstairs.
          “Dunno. Why?”
          “I really need a jimmy.”
          “Well at least it’s not a Brad.”
          “A Brad?”
          “Pitt.”
          “Oh. I see.”
          It was then that they heard Maggie scream from upstairs. They looked at each other for a moment then rose as one and charged upstairs.
          “Mags?” Sean called out as he reached the landing.
          “What’s wrong? Are you alright?” Nigel said from behind Sean. “Will you stop that!” This last remark was aimed at Rob who was behind Nigel and therefore practically half way down the stairs, and felt it necessary to shove Nigel in order to try and get a better look at what was going on.
          Maggie was standing on the landing, wrapped in a towel, shaking and pointing at the bathroom.
          “What?” Sean asked placing a reassuring hand on the small of her back.
          “Spider,” Maggie managed after a moment.
          “Oh for fuck sake,” Sean said, dropping his arm away from her.
          “Huge,” Maggie said shaking her head.
          “Good lord woman, we thought you’d seriously injured yourself or something,” Nigel said, exasperated.
          “I’ll go and get rid of it for you shall I?” Sean said, striding into the bathroom as Maggie backed away further along the landing.
          “Where is it?” Sean called out, looking around the room.
          “Bath,” Maggie said.
          “JESUS!” Sean yelled, exploding out of the bathroom, practically trying to vault over Nigel and Rob to get downstairs.
          “What are you doing?” They protested.
          “That’s not a spider! What kind of spider is that? If that’s a spider then it’s the only one left. It looks as though it’s eaten all the others!”
          “Don’t be such a girl,” Nigel said, rolling his eyes. He pushed passed Sean and went into the bathroom. “Oh my God, that’s massive!” He yelled, backing out of the bathroom.
          “Well don’t look at me!” Rob said, staying at a safe distance on the staircase. “I can’t stand the bloody things.”
          “Well one of you has to get rid of it,” Maggie informed them.
          “Why exactly?” Nigel enquired.
          “I need a shower! I wasn’t planning on living in this towel for the rest of my life.”
          “Well as you’re the one who needs to use the bathroom I suggest you get rid of it.” Nigel said unsympathetically.
          Maggie shook her head, “That’s what men are for.”
          “Ha! Well I’m here to tell you now I am NOT getting rid of that thing for you,” Nigel said, folding his arms.
          “Shall I go get Mr Jones?” Rob asked.
          “You can’t go and ask him to get rid of a spider for us!” Nigel exclaimed.
          “Why not?” Rob asked. “He’s got a shotgun.”
          “Because that would make Nigel look like a wimp,” Maggie explained.
          “That’s got nothing to do with it,” Nigel snapped.
          “No?” Maggie said, raising an eyebrow.
          “Okay, fine, I’ll get rid of it!” Nigel said, caving in. “Just give me a minute,” he said, disappearing downstairs.
          The other three looked at each other, Sean shut the bathroom door, and after a few minutes Nigel reappeared wearing a pair of marigold gloves from the kitchen and a pair of Wellington boots.
          “What do you look like?” Sean said, shaking his head.
          “I’m not taking any chances,” Nigel stated flatly, producing a pair of cooking tongs from his back pocket and snapping them together a couple of times like castanets.
          “You can’t use them!” Rob wailed.
          Nigel looked at him.
          “It’s cruel.”
          “It’s disgusting,” Sean said. “I was going to use them for the barbecue later!”
          At that moment there came a cheery “Hello?” from behind Nigel.
          They all looked down to see Mr Jones standing at the bottom of the stairs.
          “Doing a spot of cleaning are we?” He enquired, then frowned as he spotted the tongs.
          “We have a slight spider problem,” Nigel said matter-of-factly.
          “Yeah, but it’s fine,” Sean said. “Nigel’s going to barbecue it.”
          Nigel gave Sean a dark look as Mr Jones roared with laughter and made his way upstairs.
          “You boys will be the death of me,” he exclaimed. “Where is it then?”
          They pointed.
          “Cor, he is a big bugger though isn’t he?” Mr Jones called out jovially, before reappearing from the bathroom with his hands held out in front of him cupped together. “Don’t worry missy I’ve got him,” he told Maggie, then suddenly jerked his hands forward towards her while shouting, “Rrraaaa!”
          Maggie screamed and raised her hands in a defensive response that caused her to drop her towel.
          The sight of the now naked Maggie caused Mr Jones to raise a hand in front of his eyes, which in turn freed the spider who swiftly decided to make a run for it.
          “IT’S GOT LOOSE!” Sean yelled hysterically, as he, Nigel and Rob tried to climb over each other to be the first to get downstairs, with Nigel throwing the tongs in the rough direction of the bewildered arachnid as a parting shot. Maggie meanwhile fled to her room, slamming the door behind her.
          A few minutes later Mr Jones came down into the living room.
          “He hasn’t got the spider!” Rob wailed, pointing an accusing finger at Mr Jones, who failed to have a spider about his person. “That’s it then,” Rob continued. “There’s only one thing for it. We’ll have to call the holiday short.”
          “What?” Nigel said.
          “Well I’m not sleeping here knowing that thing is on the prowl.”
          “Don’t be daft! We’re not calling the holiday short,” Sean said. “We’ll sleep in the tent.”
          “Oh for God’s sake!” Nigel said, walking away from them both.
          “Don’t worry,” Mr Jones said. “I got rid of the spider, I caught it up again and chucked it out the window.”
          “Oh. Thank you,” Rob said.
          “Yeah, cheers for that,” Sean added.
          “That’s okay,” Mr Jones said. “Would you just apologise to the young lady for me?” He continued sheepishly. “I feel a bit of a prat truth be told, I was only having a bit of fun, I never meant for… well, you know,” he looked at his feet.
          “Yes, well, we’ll tell her,” Nigel said, then coughed for no reason in particular except that the situation seemed to demand it.
          “She’ll be fine,” Sean said, grinning.
          “Well, just tell her I’m sorry,” Mr Jones said, before making a hasty getaway.

Advertisement